The Yin And Yang Of Self Compassion – Many people think that self-compassion is a gentle approach to self-care. This can include creating mantras, practicing mindfulness, and journaling.
While these are wonderful habits to incorporate into your life, there is another, more active side to self-compassion. This includes standing up for ourselves, setting healthy boundaries, and mindfully focusing on challenging situations.
The Yin And Yang Of Self Compassion
The yin of self-compassion involves soothing yourself with a variety of calming exercises, some of which we have listed above. The yang of self-compassion involves developing the confidence and clarity to stand up for yourself and hold firm to your beliefs in challenging scenarios. This kind of self-compassion is intense and unwavering.
All Things Self Compassion With Kristin Neff
Initially, Kristin Neff, Chris Germer, and Steven Hickman outlined that this two-pronged approach to self-compassion allows us to face and cope with challenging life situations. The combination of standing up for yourself and simultaneously providing soothing comfort during difficult times can lead to greater well-being, resilience and contentment.
Here are two common workplace scenarios where incorporating the yin and yang of self-compassion can help you navigate challenges more easily.
Today, companies value loyalty less. Research shows that workers in the United States get the highest salary increases by switching companies regularly. Loyal workers receive little or no raise, while job seekers are often engaged at a higher rate. The pandemic has drawn particular attention to issues of fair pay, and you have the right to demand a wage that reflects how your work is valued.
Yin: Remind yourself that you deserve to be fairly compensated for your efforts and results. Notice how you feel about inequality and validate your own feelings. Try keeping your hand on your heart and breathing deeply to experience self-kindness and recalibrate your nervous system.
Fierce Self Compassion
Yang: Take some time to organize your thoughts about what value you bring to your job and what kind of raise you would feel if you felt you were being compensated appropriately. Bring up this conversation with your boss, explain why you think the raise is warranted, and outline your reasons. Focus on yourself and the value you bring. Don’t compare your coworkers.
It is also important to think about what you will do if your request is rejected. Is it worth staying in a job where you feel undervalued and underpaid? What are you willing to compromise in order to increase satisfaction?
As we age, we may experience biases in the workplace. Age discrimination exists in the workforce, but you don’t have to accept it. If you are experiencing age discrimination at work, you can still use self-compassion to help yourself.
Yin: Perhaps aging on the job has been ingrained in his faith. You may begin to think that your age is detrimental to your work. However, you can use yin self-compassion to acknowledge this inner critic and rethink your thoughts about your age. Journaling can be helpful here: Consider describing how your age and experience have improved the quality of your work. Can you rewrite the story in your head to make a positive statement about what you bring to the workplace?
Using Yin And Yang To Treat Yourself With More Empathy And Understanding
Yang: While it’s worth examining your thinking and beliefs about your age, you should also address the fact that you experience bias in the workplace. Consider contacting your HR department to discuss your experience. Talk about how you feel you’re being unfairly left out of raises, promotions, training, or anything else you notice that only younger employees are getting.
Remember, you still have the agency to improve yourself. Use the yin and yang of self-compassion to stay calm and be your best self.
Denette is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Supervisor, Registered Play Therapist and Supervisor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Certified EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapist. He is often accompanied by his team of therapy dogs, a miniature poodle named ‘Bailey’ and a maltipoo named ‘Shaq’. In response to the demands of modern life, we are constantly told to be kind to ourselves and put ourselves first. love and self-care.
The idea is that when we are compassionate with ourselves, we are more likely to be content and happy, and then able to achieve challenging goals and provide value to others. But does the time we spend taking care of ourselves really lead to happiness and fulfillment? Or are we just becoming smug, self-satisfied human beings who spend all our time indulging ourselves?
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I found the answer to these questions in psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff’s new book – Fierce Self-Compassion. I’ve summarized some of the important things I learned from this book in a journal that you can watch on YouTube and watch me explain.
When we think of self-compassion, we usually think of kind, gentle, loving forces. Kristin argues that this is only half the story. He believes that compassion has two sides – the nurturing side and the fierce side. He brings this to life by comparing it to yin and yang.
The yin quality of gentle self-compassion involves being with and accepting ourselves. We soothe ourselves, soothe ourselves, and be aware of our suffering. The yang quality of intense self-compassion is associated with “action in the world.” To protect, care for or motivate ourselves or others.
In order to thrive and make a positive difference, one side of compassion cannot exist without the other.
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For example, having only the tender side of a loved one can lead to acceptance without action. Sometimes that’s exactly what we need, other times we need action. Along with intense compassion, acceptance is the first step, but it is not the only step. This should be followed by change.
According to Kristin’s model of self-compassion, there are 3 basic elements, and if you know how to use them in different scenarios, you can use compassion to make positive changes in your life and in the world.
The key question to ask yourself is: What do I need now? How we use selfless compassion depends on our circumstances.
One way to use the self-compassion model is to take a self-compassion break. Essentially, take a few quiet minutes out of your day to recall the 3 aspects of self-compassion. You can practice it in the morning or at night, and use it in difficult situations when you need it most.
Another Side Of Self Compassion
To practice this, think of a problem you face, either at work or at home. Then you say some words to yourself that slowly make the pain more bearable.
First, tap into the mindfulness part of the model—which means being fully present in pain or discomfort. Make a statement acknowledging it. One I use is a simple “this is hard”.
For example, if I’m going through a very stressful moment with my kids, I find a moment to step away and say in my head (sometimes softly out loud) “this-is-hard”. There’s something quite comforting about saying it and being present with it instead of ignoring it and feeling increasingly overwhelmed.
The second sentence is to remind you of how you connect to the wider world. This is how you can tell yourself things like, “I’m not alone.” “This is what suffering or discomfort feels like to everyone.” “We all face challenges in our lives.” It is not used to dismiss the feeling, the purpose is to appreciate that what we feel is not “abnormal” and that suffering is a part of life, for everyone.
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The third and final step is to invite kindness. A gentle touch can help, which you can do for yourself by putting your hand on your heart, helping, or holding your own hand. And say something like “I’m going to be kind to myself.” “I accept myself as I am”. And if you feel comfortable enough to talk to yourself, you can say, “I’m here for you.”
It might sound really weird to talk to yourself like this, but it’s worth trying self-compassion in a stressful situation and see how comforting it is. Or even try it when you have some peace at home, relying on the memory of a difficult situation.
Think about how much more relaxed you feel after calling a friend when you’re feeling stressed or anxious. This activity gives you the opportunity to be a friend to yourself whenever you need one.
On the other hand, if you are angry or upset about something, you may find yourself in a situation where you need to protect, care for, or motivate yourself or others. This is when you combine intense self-compassion with gentle self-compassion, using the same 3 ingredients: mindfulness, humanity, and kindness.
What Is Fierce Self Compassion?
In a defensive scenario, you may need to draw boundaries or confront someone. Perhaps you feel that a colleague is taking advantage of you, a neighbor is disrespectful, or even a family member is pushing their opinion on you.
Think about the situation and allow intense or angry feelings to arise. Anger, frustration, whatever. Be mindful of them
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